Very Trustworthy Source

Grab your pitchforks and torches! Haul out your cages!  There is a criminal in our midst and he must be stopped at all costs . If we need to sacrifice a few folks to get this guy behind bars, then so be it. The greater good comes first. Poster credit to Amber Sok, Talented Girl Extraordinaire Punxsutawney Phil, that vile rodent, has been accused of lying and deceiving the public. Yes, he allowed the extension of winter by six weeks, but why then did it snow exactly five days after spring had begun? Only one creature on God's green Earth can account for this catastrophe, and he is roaming free at this very moment.  Centre Daily Times reports that the Monroe County Police already have a warrant out for Phil's arrest, but the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club's Inner Circle are fighting justice, tooth and nail. They've assigned him additional guard duty and they've made public declarations passing off the blame to Mother Nature. Mother Nature is an innocent!  She

After asking a number of very important and smart people, the whole world has come to the conclusion that Amber Sok's happiness is sustaining everyone else's. This study has been years in the making, but the evidence is there. Since Amber's birth on August 28, 1997, the happiness index of the world rose by 3000%, and grows every time her paycheck appears in her bank account and whenever she is handed a cookie. Crashes rarely occur but when they do, every man, woman, and child on Earth starts crying inexplicably. Very strange stuff here, but I guess this just means we have to make sure she stays smiling. "I have dedicated the last twenty years of my life to this research, and it's all sound. Ever since I hypothesized this on the day she was born, there has been absolutely no evidence to debunk it and no evidence ever will." -Super Scientist Jared Bologneman "She's a delight and there's science to prove it." -Super Ultra Scientist Lana Ba