What a pleasure it is to finally be able to announce the death of one Mr. Roy G. Biv. For centuries we have been living under the oppression of the cult of the Seven-Colored Rainbow (7CR), wondering how on Earth is the color indigo different from blue or purple? Mr. Biv has been spreading the gospel of the 7CR for nigh on four hundred years now (after an intense labor and delivery by his mother, Sir Isaac Newton), seeding doubt and confusion into the minds of our youth all the while.
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completely innocuous pamphlet cover,
credit: 6CR Movement |
Well, rest assured dear reader, our prayers have been answered! As we lay Mr. Biv to rest, his horrific reign of tyranny can finally come to an end. As we speak, Six-Colored Rainbow evangelists have been seen going door to door, handing out pamphlets to reverse the damage of the 7CR (cover of the pamphlet is attached). "Say no to indigo!"
As for the cause of death, it is widely known that Mr. Biv is sustained solely off the nourishment provided in a skittle, as it's a requirement that he taste the rainbow in order to survive. For breakfast, he consumed only red and orange skittles, had a light lunch of yellow skittles, and if his lavish supper of green and purple skittles was not arranged to meet the resemblance of Barney the Dinosaur, Mr. Biv would go hungry for the night. As we are highly trained professionals, it does not escape the notice of Very Trustworthy Source that there are two colors of the rainbow missing from this sumptuous spread, but not everyone has the skill or precise eye for detail that we do, and it took Mr. Biv until three days ago to make this discovery. Upon hearing the news that his diet is missing two absolutely essential nutrients for his body, his midnight blue (or is it indigo?) hair withered away on sight, and his vibrant lime green teeth winked out of existence, leaving behind a gaping, gummy hole for a mouth. Without the signature fluorescent orange hue to his prominent jowls (which paled to a sad gray, along with the rest of his skin), how could he ever find love again? Without his silly purple nose, what was his reason for going on? Apparently the universe could not answer that question either, for a black hole blipped into existence for a half second, swallowing him whole and disappearing in a blink.
A memorial will be held for Mr. Biv this weekend in the alley behind the Subway off Main Street, inside the green dumpster with the graffiti proclaiming "GOOD RIDDANCE BIV". The dumpster has a maximum capacity of around 2 or 3 people so arrive early to claim your spot! Very Trustworthy Source will sadly not be able to attend, but we are confident that Mr. Biv's memory will be treated with the absolute correct amount of reverence that he deserves (which by any measure should be none).
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