The leader of our great Earth, President True Notfakeman, has succeeded in halting an era of disorder and dispute in the North Pole as the date of Christmas is moved from December 25th to December 23rd, effective immediately and forevermore.
During a press conference held in Ashburn, VA, President Notfakeman made it very clear that the powers that be have no issue with this new decree. "I have spoken to Santa and Mrs. Claus and they have no issue with this new decree," President Notfakeman stated. "As for my previous legislation suggesting an addition of two more Christmases, one in March, and the other in September, the negotiations are still in the works as the elves are in disagreement. Santa cannot handle another strike from the Elf Union again - not financially and certainly not emotionally. As we well know, Papa Elf's coup attempts have nearly deposed Santa multiple times in the past and the state of the North Pole is fragile at best. And Santa is a wreck, constantly in tears, has not showered in weeks."
Sources confirm that the entire motive for changing the date of Christmas stems from the elves' desire to hurt Santa's feelings. Where are their presents, they wonder? What of their gingerbread-housing crisis? President Notfakeman has played devil's advocate in this game for many years, and finally a decision has been reached. "This date change symbolizes a break in tradition," the president said. "While I love that stinky old Santa dearly, I must denounce his sovereign rule in the north. It is a direct threat to my legitimacy as President of the Earth, and so if Papa Elf would like to run for Santa next year, I would be happy to back his attempt to establish democracy as long as I receive an extra present or two."
When asked, Santa could only pause from his hysterical sobbing for a moment to throw his arms in the air (releasing a puff of noxious odor that emanated from his pits) and say, "I've been Santa for so long, if someone runs for Santa next, must I change my name?" A dumb question, indeed. Of course he will! After all, the world has plenty of space for another Jeff!
And what is VTS's opinion you ask? Santa? More like Satan! Papa Elf (2020) is the change we need and deserve. Our parting message: So long Jeff! Hello Christmas (which is officially today)!
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| Photo Credit: Amber Sok, Chief Photographer |
Sources confirm that the entire motive for changing the date of Christmas stems from the elves' desire to hurt Santa's feelings. Where are their presents, they wonder? What of their gingerbread-housing crisis? President Notfakeman has played devil's advocate in this game for many years, and finally a decision has been reached. "This date change symbolizes a break in tradition," the president said. "While I love that stinky old Santa dearly, I must denounce his sovereign rule in the north. It is a direct threat to my legitimacy as President of the Earth, and so if Papa Elf would like to run for Santa next year, I would be happy to back his attempt to establish democracy as long as I receive an extra present or two."
When asked, Santa could only pause from his hysterical sobbing for a moment to throw his arms in the air (releasing a puff of noxious odor that emanated from his pits) and say, "I've been Santa for so long, if someone runs for Santa next, must I change my name?" A dumb question, indeed. Of course he will! After all, the world has plenty of space for another Jeff!
And what is VTS's opinion you ask? Santa? More like Satan! Papa Elf (2020) is the change we need and deserve. Our parting message: So long Jeff! Hello Christmas (which is officially today)!
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